Archive | March, 2012

it’s been a while

26 Mar

And, as usual, my life’s events could fill books. I turn to God in my imperfections and realize with each day, that I don’t know anything. I don’t know how the Divine plan will reveal itself, I don’t know how I am going to be instrumental in this. I know He’s there, I know He’s with me, I know that he has his plans for me and I pray that He guides me and reveals to me what they are, at the right time.

There are some truly wondrous things going on. There are some shocking things going on, too.

God, I need you to strengthen me each day with the power to believe.



the Geulah and us

18 Mar

Dear God,

I am really an idiotic, selfish, self-absorbed, egotistical ego-orientated human being. I am nothing, I have nothing and I fail time and time again. I have learned not to trust my own dreams and ambitions for they are just extensions of my own egotistical whims. I am a terrible scaredy-cat and really don’t trust myself to do anything very much. So why me? Why did You pick me? Well, if I’m wrong (and I might well be, as I can barely trust myself sometimes) then it seems that my trials and tribulations are all part of a cruel joke. Something inside of myself cannot and will not accept that this is all ‘hevel havalim’. No, I’m here for a reason and time and time again you pick me….a chosen one? I guess so.

I ask God about specifics and I often get more global answers. So when I grew tired of global answers I asked again, what is it, God, that you want me to do? Today I got this pasuk (Jeremiah 3:12-17):

Go, and proclaim these words toward the north, and say,

“‘Return, faithless Israel,
declares the Lord.
I will not look on you in anger,
    for I am merciful,
declares the Lord;
I will not be angry forever.
13 Only acknowledge your guilt,
    that you rebelled against the Lord your God
and scattered your favors among foreigners under every green tree,
    and that you have not obeyed my voice,
declares the Lord.
14 Return, O faithless children,
declares the Lord;
     for I am your master;
I will take you, one from a city and two from a family,
    and I will bring you to Zion.

15 “‘And I will give you shepherds after my own heart, who will feed you with knowledge and understanding. 16 And when you have multiplied and been fruitful in the land, in those days, declares the Lord, they shall no more say, “The ark of the covenant of the Lord.” It shall not come to mind or be remembered or missed; it shall not be made again. 17 At that time Jerusalem shall be called the throne of the Lord, and all nations shall gather to it, to the presence of the Lord in Jerusalem, and they shall no more stubbornly follow their own evil heart. 18  In those days the house of Judah shall join the house of Israel, and together they shall come from the land of the north to the land that I gave your fathers for a heritage.

Me? Tell the religious that they got it oh so wrong and the faithless that they must find the true God? To battle against centuries of ingrained custom and habit? You got the wrong one, here.

But God stated it plain and simple. I can run but I simply can’t hide from the plain truth.

in search of gratification

13 Mar

It’s that neverending thirst that makes us different from animals. We are not content to just eat, sleep and procreate. There has to be more to life….

A person who loses themselves in their passion, whatever that passion is…sculpture, writing, a lover, or even the pursuit of helping others… trying to fill that missing hole inside themselves.

But God wants to be the one to fill that gap. He is there, ever present and He longs to be part of our struggle. And when we turn that thirst into a burning desire to be close to Him, then, no matter where we are in life, that divine ‘spark’ leads us like a flashlight.

We will never get ‘there’ – even in our search for God. Every day is a blank page and a fresh script but we have to understand where that longing is coming from and direct it accordingly. We need to acknowledge that every longing and desire to fill those holes in our lives must be directed towards God. He is there, not a distant figure dishing out rules and punishments, but a living, speaking, understanding God. He listens and He talks. We just need to tune into His channel.


Mishlei ((6:30-33) talks about the difference between a thief and an adulterer. A thief will take something that is not his, but if caught, ‘will pay sevenfold’. But an adulterer, however cannot repay the damages, for his soul has been ‘destroyed’. We take from this world without connecting to our divinity, and that is human. But if we lose our own essence in the pursuit of anything that is not Godly, that is, we devote our entire energies into a form of gratification to the point that we become one with it, then we are beyond hope. Eventually, Mishlei says, the jealous husband returns and his anger knows no mercy. The jealous husband is God, our creator – for our betrayal (to ourselves) is ultimately the source of our demise. The earth is inhabited by many who I would label ‘the living dead’. They have lost their divinity in this world whereas their mission was to find it.

Let us not share such a fate.


don’t let despair overcome me

10 Mar

I am praying that God will keep me strong. I don’t like to post personal stuff on all my frailties, there is enough of that on the internet. But I admit it, Hashem, I ain’t no angel and I need you to keep me strong.

I need You to save me from myself.

I’m being pulled down by a quagmire of currents, each one with its own direction and its own complexities. I am finding it hard to prioritize and I’m finding it hard to find You in the picture. Or to be more precise, to know what You want. Or to be even more precise, to have the patience to let You guide me.

You didn’t let me down up to now, did You?

I guess the first step is to understand my fears. The fear of You abandoning me. The fear of inflicting harm on my loved ones. The fear of fear itself. I’m not perfect, I am how You made me. The second step is to take a deep breath and inhale some emunah. To believe, yes really and sincerely believe that You are with me all the time, in my pain, in my procrastination, in my fears and in my mistakes.

So I guess I’ve taken my breather, and now I have to pick up my sword and go back to battle and know that none of this is about me. (tehillim 119-137)

137. You are righteous, O Lord, and upright are your judgments!
138. You have commanded your testimonies in righteousness and in all faithfulness!
139. My zeal consumes me, because my enemies have forgotten your words!
140. Your word is very pure; therefore your servant loves it!
141. I am small and despised; yet I do not forget your precepts!
142. Your righteousness is an everlasting righteousness, and your Torah is the truth!
143. Trouble and anguish have taken hold of me; yet your commandments are my delights!
144. The righteousness of your testimonies is everlasting; give me understanding, and I shall live!
145. I cry with my whole heart; answer me, O Lord; I will keep your statutes!
146. I cry to you: save me, and I shall keep your testimonies!
147. I rise before dawn, and I cry out; my hope is in your word!



welcome to the roller coaster of life

8 Mar

Hi this is God. I want to welcome you aboard my Roller Coaster of Life. I guarantee you, you will have incredible ups, when you feel like you’re reaching the sky, when your chest is tight with the very pleasure of existence, when you inhale my presence and feel my sweet caress. And then, there will be downs, twisting and turning, at breakneck speed. Your breath will get caught in your throat, you’ll grip the handlebars in terror and barely have time to pray for redemption before the next twist comes along. You will feel like you are about to faint in terror, as My Roller Coaster takes you through seeming impossibilities and somehow you make your way out in one piece, not really understanding how or why. It’s OK. I designed it, in fact I’m driving it. All I ask for is for you to

1.Hold on tight. I am the rock of your salvation and I won’t leave you.

2.Understand that you are not directing or driving the roller coaster, and climbing out of your seat to somehow alter the course or the mechanism is never a good idea. Each time the bend and curve come around, the second you accept the fact that it’s not you, it’s ME, then you can hold on to the handlebar a little tighter and perhaps, even enjoy the ride.

3.Know that a roller coaster is a time-limited experience. It’s not the ‘real’ world. It has a beginning, a middle and an end. The real world is My World and it’s beyond your imagination.

4.Know that I designed this roller coaster especially for you, and for no one else. It’s a gift from Me.

‘I will make My mountains into roads, and all My paths will be uplifted (Isiah 49:11)


reasons NOT to eat Badatz

5 Mar

reasons NOT to eat Badatz

It is not enough for the orthodox to condemn the violence against women, money laundering and corruption which is widespread…they must cease to support it.

children and prophesy

4 Mar

We are so busy satisfying our own egos that we are failing to teach our children how to be real people. We have an agenda of ‘education’ based on all of the things we failed to achieve in our lives, or perhaps wishing them to mirror us so we feel validated; religiously, socially, creatively, educationally…but wait….the crux of the matter is missing! A child has to be taught how to converse with God; how to feel from that calm place within what is RIGHT.

We need to give the child the intuition by asking the child, is God with you now, do you feel His presence? It’s something that children have access to much more easily than we do. I have started to talk to my children more about God and how they need to ask themselves, what does God want from me now? And funnily enough, they are starting to help me find my way, too.