don’t let despair overcome me

10 Mar

I am praying that God will keep me strong. I don’t like to post personal stuff on all my frailties, there is enough of that on the internet. But I admit it, Hashem, I ain’t no angel and I need you to keep me strong.

I need You to save me from myself.

I’m being pulled down by a quagmire of currents, each one with its own direction and its own complexities. I am finding it hard to prioritize and I’m finding it hard to find You in the picture. Or to be more precise, to know what You want. Or to be even more precise, to have the patience to let You guide me.

You didn’t let me down up to now, did You?

I guess the first step is to understand my fears. The fear of You abandoning me. The fear of inflicting harm on my loved ones. The fear of fear itself. I’m not perfect, I am how You made me. The second step is to take a deep breath and inhale some emunah. To believe, yes really and sincerely believe that You are with me all the time, in my pain, in my procrastination, in my fears and in my mistakes.

So I guess I’ve taken my breather, and now I have to pick up my sword and go back to battle and know that none of this is about me. (tehillim 119-137)

137. You are righteous, O Lord, and upright are your judgments!
138. You have commanded your testimonies in righteousness and in all faithfulness!
139. My zeal consumes me, because my enemies have forgotten your words!
140. Your word is very pure; therefore your servant loves it!
141. I am small and despised; yet I do not forget your precepts!
142. Your righteousness is an everlasting righteousness, and your Torah is the truth!
143. Trouble and anguish have taken hold of me; yet your commandments are my delights!
144. The righteousness of your testimonies is everlasting; give me understanding, and I shall live!
145. I cry with my whole heart; answer me, O Lord; I will keep your statutes!
146. I cry to you: save me, and I shall keep your testimonies!
147. I rise before dawn, and I cry out; my hope is in your word!

 

 

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One Response to “don’t let despair overcome me”

  1. Eddie October 7, 2012 at 5:17 am #

    As I read once in the Tao-Te-Ching (a Chinese spiritual text), Chapter 22, I believe.

    “If you want to be whole, you must first let yourself be broken.”

    If God is making you feel broken, perhaps God is letting you know, that your soul is ready for the spiritual journey of becoming complete.

    I don’t know if you say the Shema daily, but the text is “Hear O Israel, Hashem Elokeinu, Hashem is one”.

    The rabbi’s say that the name of God, ‘Hashem’, refers to attributes of chesed, love and kindness… and the name of God ‘Elokeinu’ refers to attributes of strictness and judgement.

    The Shema which we are encouraged to say daily might be telling us, that it is Hashem who is Elokeinu — they are one and the same God. i.e. the God that is actually very loving is the one that is sending us our trials and tribulations. Our problems break down our ego. It is often our problems that help us find God. In that sense, even our problems are actually a kindness.

    Best wishes.

    Eddie

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