it doesn’t get easier

1 Apr

God You are so simple, pure and perfect. When I am with You, there are no questions. You hold out Your hand to me and beckon me to come, join Me, be with Me, connect with Me…..I feel Your warm embrace and I feel the simplicity, I cease to feel alone, vulnerable, afraid.

But if I lose my fierce grip on Your hand for even a milisecond, I am lost, stumbling, whirling in a dense fog of confusion, a milky soupy grey sludge of ….the unknown, the unclear, the complex…..the unfaith.

It’s so bloody simple, but yet why is it so hard? Why won’t I allow myself to be held by you?

If we go through Tanach we see themes that have been repeated again and again throughout the ages; love, jealousy, revenge, treachery, unsound leadership, unwillingness to see truth, faithlessness,betrayal, evil and good. Life is like a spiral whirling around and around. My own personal belief (don’t know what the source is, but I’m sure it’s somewhere) is that God has a ‘theme tune’ for us, the same challenge that winds itself around us again and again, and will continue to coil it’s tentacles until we’ve uncovered the puzzle. Until we have finally ‘moved on’ from this test. I have to be willing to accept that no, I’m not in a futile, lawless, random universe of ‘just because’ injustices and cruelties. I am a willing partner with God, in the battleground of real life, of eternal challenges and I at war, but He is leading the way into battle. It is His war. And my theme tune is being played.

Last night I dreamed I was driving a car, except that whenever I pushed the gas to go forwards it went into reverse. I think I’ve finally figured out what this dream was about. The more you believe in your own efforts, the less you succeed. I am not the one driving the car.



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