Archive | May, 2012

there are those who are worse off than me…..

29 May

my dear darling sister

we’ve been through so much

your world is changing

but you’re still out of touch.

I try to show you

the writing on the wall

but you cling on to your nonesense

grasping at straws before you fall.

Your ‘precious’ -what will be?

You say only religion can save them

Yet you can’t lock them up

(nor can you blame them)

I wish I could help you

but you really don’t want it

I would love to show you God

but you won’t budge a bit.

So frown on my jeans and my ‘open ways’

Clutch your little ones near

And put mechitzot on your pathways

Yes, I may be ‘lost’ (like the rest of mankind)

We’re all handicapped, deaf and blind……

But, dear sister, I know one thing ……

God is there, he’s with us and he’s waiting.











thoughts on Shavuot

26 May

The more I see cheesecake the less I want to eat it. I don’t think this is necessarily coming from a place of taste (or my digestion) but more from a spiritual place.

God gave us his festivals for him to be with us. Instead we are with our cheesecake. Sorry, we’re with our ‘torah learning’ which isn’t any better.

Wherever I go, whatever snippets of conversation I hear….it’s nothing to do with him!

Yes, yes the self-assured religious will say, it’s automatic. You do a ‘mitzvah’ and you clock on another point to God. But how can you claim anything if you have no idea who he is or what he wants from you?

I refuse to be the automat that does and gets into the spirit of things just because those around me are doing it. God, you know me better than anyone else and I know that there is no better place than by your side. And I feel that by your side is not at a chalavi smorgasbrod, nor is it in synagogue, nor is it at kiddush… is when I feel that this is what you want from me.

16 “So do not pray for this people nor offer any plea or petition for them; do not plead with me, for I will not listen to you. 17 Do you not see what they are doing in the towns of Judah and in the streets of Jerusalem? 18 The children gather wood, the fathers light the fire, and the women knead the dough and make cakes to offer to the Queen of Heaven. They pour out drink offerings to other gods to arouse my anger. 19 But am I the one they are provoking? declares the Lord. Are they not rather harming themselves, to their own shame? (jeremiah 7)

Rather I will sit in quietness and contemplate where you wish me to go. This is the chag habikurim, the chag of first fruits, I will offer to you myself, oh God, and ask you to direct me according to your will. And even if the offerings I must give are harder to give up than giving to the ‘Queen of Heaven’ I ask you to give me the strength to do what is right, in your spirit. And even if this means that I feel distant and cut off from those around me, I won’t take place in this Godless facade.

turbulent times

21 May

I’m on a cliffhanger…..hanging on for dear breath. Every day brings new challenges, and each challenge leaves me panting for breath. As soon as I feel that I’ve found myself, I’m flailing in the mud once again, dealing with turbulent outside forces. I know that God wants me to turn to him, and I feel so weak and helpless that there really is no other viable actions.

My dilemmas have no easy solutions, the path has no visible destination. I just have to ask God time and time again to hold on to my hand and not let me go.



My Precious Children

16 May

Except that they are not mine…. they are not my property to do with as I please and they are not existing for the some purpose of giving me nachas….they are the children of God, the same way I am and they were committed to me to be responsible for them until they are old enough to be responsible for themselves.

Perhaps the biggest weight that pulls me away from God is my parental guilt. I’m not doing enough, not being enough…not enough for these children of mine. I am subject to constant pangs in the heart where I feel perhaps I disappointed them, I allowed them to get hurt unnecessarily, or perhaps I put my needs before theirs?

The question I have to give back to God is that of whether this parental guilt is coming from a good or healthy place. Perhaps it’s easier to pull my hair out in guilt and blame rather than accept. No child has a perfect childhood and no parent can possibly give it to them. We are all deep down inside selfish individuals and God does not wish us to sacrifice so much of ourselves  that there is nothing left of us. So we are left with attempting to find a balance and accepting ourselves for what we can and cannot give. I pray to you, oh God to give me the insight to understand what I am responsible for and what I am not and to accept myself as I am as a parent, with all my deficits and faults. Hear and understand me in my desire to give in the right way and give them what they need. I am offering everything to you. For ultimately, you are the true Parent of these children. I got from Ezekiel 43:10

 אַתָּה בֶן-אָדָם הַגֵּד אֶת-בֵּית-יִשְׂרָאֵל אֶת-הַבַּיִת וְיִכָּלְמוּ מֵעֲו‍ֹנוֹתֵיהֶם וּמָדְדוּ אֶת-תָּכְנִית.  יא וְאִם-נִכְלְמוּ מִכֹּל אֲשֶׁר-עָשׂוּ צוּרַת הַבַּיִת וּתְכוּנָתוֹ וּמוֹצָאָיו וּמוֹבָאָיו וְכָל-צוּרֹתָו וְאֵת כָּל-חֻקֹּתָיו וְכָל-צוּרֹתָו וְכָל-תּוֹרֹתָו הוֹדַע אוֹתָם וּכְתֹב לְעֵינֵיהֶם וְיִשְׁמְרוּ אֶת-כָּל-צוּרָתוֹ וְאֶת-כָּל-חֻקֹּתָיו וְעָשׂוּ אוֹתָם.  י זֹאת תּוֹרַת הַבָּיִת  עַל-רֹאשׁ הָהָר כָּל-גְּבֻלוֹ סָבִיב סָבִיב קֹדֶשׁ קָדָשִׁים הִנֵּה-זֹאת תּוֹרַת הַבָּיִת.  

I understand from this that the antidote for fear, guilt and confusion (even if it stems from the ‘Holy of Holies’ ie. our desire to be ‘good’ parents) is boundaries. The temple is an illustration of very fixed boundaries and measurements, an idea of separateness and structure. 

Our lost boundaries are in the emotional realm and the only way to restore them is to turn back to God. And to teach our children who God really is.