am I different to anyone else?

7 Aug

“I wanted to change the world. But I have found that the only thing one can be sure of changing is oneself.”

― Aldous HuxleyPoint Counter Point

The world out there is really not in a great state. I thirst for a meaningful conversation who things further than his own ego. I see around me, the chilonim in their chiloniut (secular in their secularism) and the datiim in their datiut (religious in their religiosity). 

When I belonged to the religious world, when I saw things I didn’t like, for example, extremism, insularism, self-inflicted poverty etc I used to say to myself smugly ‘At least we’re not like them.’ Looking at the problems of crime, drugs and prostitution, lack of family life etc I would be able to turn my head away from the deep cracks within my own community.

And now? Now I have finally broken the chains of religiosity and can look at the cracked paintwork of the religious world and genuinely thank Hashem for freeing me, where does that leave me? Who am I, without a doctrine, unnattached to secularism and with a few spiritual friends who think like me? Just because I know and hear the presence of Hashem in my life, just because I have the clear vision to see the Lie as it is, does that make me any better than the seething masses out there?

Hashem gave me an interesting answer:

לזהב במשקל לזהב לכל־כלי עבודה ועבודה לכל כלי הכסף במשקל לכל־כלי עבודה ועבודה

Of gold, by weight, for the vessels of gold, for all the vessels of different uses; and silver for all the vessels of silver by weight, for vessels of different uses;

The question is not ‘Am I better than anyone else?’ , instead it is ‘ Am I better to God than anyone else.’

My life is a quest to seek and serve God. God has a mission for me, and every day I hope he opens my eyes to it, that I can serve him as pure of heart. Gold and silver are measured by weight and by purity, Gold and silver have uses in the Beit Hamikdash. Whatever I have, whether it is wisdom, insight or truth or even tears, struggles and longing, I have to give to to Hashem, for that is where it belongs.

Sometimes there are questions that aren’t. Does Hashem care about better, not better? Or rather does he want the ‘zahav’, the purity of heart and intentions DESPITE the world around, inpenetrable to the world for Him and His plans.

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