Archive | November, 2012

there’s nobody home

29 Nov

Don’t you ever feel that there’s just nobody home? You build up hopes that people are, deep down, reasonable, kind, decent, broad-minded, forgiving, adaptable to new ideas and all of those other positive attributes and you put your trust in them based on these assumptions.

Alright, forget the ‘you’, I’m only going to talk about myself. Yes, I am guilty of the above. And yes, it’s like that same old record player caught on the same groove, I get disappointed. Not because I expect people to be perfect, but I just expect there to be someone home, someone who listens, someone who can relate to the wider picture of things and time and time again, I suffer disappointment. How can people behave like that?  How can they live their lives like that?

Today I felt like I was sitting in the abandoned lobby of some godforsaken hotel surrounded by  empty chairs. It was as if every person I knew or came into contact with me was devoid of that basic human spirit; of thought, connection and life. What, am I the only one waiting around here?

Then I must remember that I am never alone, and perhaps this loneliness is the only way God can bring me to that point of connection with him. God wants me to turn to him, just like one turns to the only other person there in the empty room.

Thank you God, for opening my eyes. It hurts like hell but I’d rather see things for as they are than lie to myself like those empty chairs.

 

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a picture speaks a thousand words….

28 Nov

I’m not a one to post cartoons and cute sayings, but I very much related to this cartoon. I mean, who’s looking for God any more? I feel we’re so few and far between, like those lonely students, clutching their banners and watching the masses pass them by.

Nothing like a war for you to lose your faith

18 Nov

I admit it, I’ve never been in a war before. The last war we had here was removed, so to speak. Also, stuck in my chareidi insulation, I didn’t watch or read the news, I disconnected myself from those ‘down South’ and also, the war was not like this one.

I am caught in a hamster wheel and I’m the little mouse, running scared. I switch on the TV, which incessantly broadcasts attack after attack, I listen to the radio and instantly know when there is a tzeva adom or I try to distract myself doing something just to while away the time while I wait.

Wait for what? For more news to bring me into a panic? For another endless loop conversation with a friend consisting of ‘what were you doing when the siren sounded on shabbat?’ or ‘who do you know who’s been called up?’ Yes this is all natural and normal, this is the stressful situation of war.

But hold on. I’m supposed to be connected. I’m supposed to understand who is ruling the world. I’m supposed to know that no government or army or even worse peace treaty can save us from this. This is God’s land, this is God’s war. Does my panic allow him to fight it? Do the demons I host of worrying, what-ifing, fretting and rationalizing help Him at all? Or have I simply recruited my own brand of Hamas to continue terrorism in my own head? I admit it publicly, I am a pathetic Godless coward. I cannot reassure my own children, let alone myself.

So I guess God has his Work cut out for Him. Not only does he have to protect and guide our precious chayalim, but he has to protect and guide the likes of me who, at the drop of a hat are liable to forget his imnipresence, his omnipotence, his endless wisdom and moreover his infinite love of the Jewish people.

 

God protect us all.