Archive | March, 2013

caught in the eagle’s claws

27 Mar

I am caught in the talons of a huge, merciless eagle that swoops low to catch at me. I have no control over what I once used to deem the most precious and I sometimes feel that I am torn from pillar to post, with nowhere to go.

I am in the ultimate catch 22 situation, darned if I do and darned if I don’t. There is no salvation with anyone who is a ben adam – God is my only salvation.

Indeed at this point I have to say that if it hadn’t been for God holding my hand throughout all of these trials and tribulations I would have been admitted in a lockdown long ago. I’m not joking.

And once again, each day dawning fresh and new, erasing that that was and bringing that that is, I must hold tight and hold fast. The earth under me is slipping and all I can do is cry out to God not to abandon me in my hour of need.

God wants to show me, during this chag when we remember how the Jews could only leave Egypt once they’d reached rock bottom and cried out to God in sheer, decisive desperation that I must let go of those things I still hold on to, those ropes that are frayed and twisted and that will unravel at the slightest pull.

God does not want me to run around making some semblance of religiousity with crazy preparations, as if a grain of chametz will grant me holiness or absolution.

God does not want me cohorting with those who claim to be his ‘holies’ in order to gain favour in their eyes, in order to convince them that even though I’m one of ‘those accursed chilonim’  I’m not really like that, deep down inside.

God does not want me to make plans and to feel I can escape his din by making compromises and doing favors to those whose religiosity has caused them total blindness. I cannot help those who are handicapped by handicapping myself. The more I try, the worse it becomes and the greater the need for those ‘holies’ to control and overpower me. The answer is never in the ‘doing’ and only in the ‘being’.

There is only one thing that will save me, and that is the love of God. If I seek it, I will find it in abundance, everywhere. God will guide me and show me. I just have to have the patience and the right frame of mind to let Him lead the way.

And as for those despicable ones who wish to hurt and destroy me, God is watching you, and he is crying for your unforgivable actions. God is truth and just as he and only he led the Jews out of Egypt, it is God and only God who will redeem us again. Your religion, your laws your ceremonies and customs are as abhorrent to Him as a loathsome meal of worms and bugs. He didn’t ask for them and he certainly doesn’t need them.

Awake, awake, arm of the Lord,
clothe yourself with strength!
Awake, as in days gone by,
as in generations of old.
Was it not you who cut Rahab to pieces,
who pierced that monster through?
10 Was it not you who dried up the sea,
the waters of the great deep,
who made a road in the depths of the sea
so that the redeemed might cross over?
11 Those the Lord has rescued will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away. (Isiah 51 9-11)

my failed love story

9 Mar

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Once upon a time, when I was young and naive, and had more dreams and hopes than common sense I fell in love. He was tall, larger than life really, handsome and what was more, full of promise. When I looked into his eyes I saw a glowing future; my life laid out before me perfect in every detail, children, family, security and truth  – all the things I thought I was lacking. He talked to me for hours and convinced me that his love for me was selfless and true. He inundated me with small gifts and reminders of his love for me. My head was in the clouds, and I barely had time to reflect; I was so excited about our future life together, you see.

So I made a commitment. I told him that I would be with him forever, no matter what. Even when times were tough, I believed our love and our belief would overcome everything. I barely looked over my shoulder at what I was leaving behind; I was convinced that the life I had led before I met him was purposeless and meaningless. I cut my ties with my ‘other life’, my friends, my interests and dreamed about a glowing future.

After some time together I started to see small signs of disappointment in my lover. He was inattentive to my needs on the one hand, but demanded more sacrifices from me on the other. I brushed these inadequacies aside and made fresh resolutions to try harder to pander to his growing needs. Then all would be well. After all, this was a holy matrimony and if God willed this, then surely God would help.

At some point however, in order to keep the relationship going I had stop following logic and basic common sense. My love for him, however which continued to flame told me that logic and common sense are sacrifices that will justify the ends – that is, to live happily with him side by side. He whispered words of encouragement – that my sacrifices showed to him how much I was a good and worthy woman and how he was proud of me.

I had a niggling feeling at some point that although I was prepared to make sacrifices and changes in the relationship, he, however was unbending to change. He started to gain weight, but still insisted on wearing the same tight clothing that had been in fashion years ago, even though it no longer suited him. He gazed at himself vainly in the mirror, even though he was starting to go bald and what was left of his hair had faded to mousy grey. What was worse was that he acted as if he was superior to others, simply because he had once been dashing, glamorous and beautiful. When he was questioned, he became dogmatic and accused the others of being weak simply because they wished to question him. He started to cohort with a crowd of friends who were distinctly unsavoury – some had very suspicious pasts and all them were questionable in their motives for sticking with him.

His favourite hobby was misquoting others in order to pursue his own righteousness. He would make grandiose statements which, when verified proved to be distinctly distorted from their original source.

It was then that  I realised that my once-beloved was no more. I cried bitter tears as I realised that it was never me that he was interested in – that I was simply a tool for him to seek his own needs.

At that point I already had children. I couldn’t face telling them the whole truth and preferred to let them believe that their father was a wonderful man with good intentions. That was my mistake. I should have told them.

When I realised that the man who had once made me gloriously happy now made me feel like a prisoner stuck in a 4 by 4 cell I decided to pack my bags and leave.

He was not willing to let me go so easily. “If you leave me, ” he cried ” You leave everything. Your friends, your life, your community, your possessions and your children, of course.”

I begged and pleaded. I sought others to intervene but strangely, they all took his side. People crossed to the other side of the street when they saw my face. The made sure their children didn’t play with mine. They whispered and gossiped. What had I done wrong? Surely, if I was miserable with this man, leaving was the right thing to do. Surely these people realised I had a right to happiness?

Thank God, at some point during this time a new lover appeared on the scene. He made no demands. He was a shoulder to cry on during the most difficult moments. He didn’t judge me but made me feel loved. When I let him hold me safely in his arms, I realised that my whole life up to this time had been a lie. I had been a fool to think that I if I made enough sacrifices, I would live up to anything. I needed to be accepted the way I was and to work together with someone, in partnership, side by side, to build something new. Something that was my own.

My new lover caused even more furor in the community. How dare I! A lot of people were jealous of me because they, like me, had husbands who simply took and never gave back. My new lover gave to me from his heart and they knew that this was true love, not the lie they had been sold into. 

I am now a calmer and serener person and I see the mistakes of my past. My new life is far from easy but I have no regrets about the lie I left behind. I realise that I am imperfect and my true love lets me know all the time how much he believes in me and that, side by side, in honesty and humility  I can walk the path of truth.

 

2 Mar

 

חלקנו אדישים…אבל חלקנו דואגים למצב בארץ Posted on 20/01/2013 by luisa1234

It is true that many of us demonstrate great apathy concerning anything that is connected to our fate as a nation: everyone is caught up in their person day-to-day survival, in that rat-race on the hamster wheel, in the mantra ‘I don’t know how we got into this mess but everything will be OK in the end…’ On the other hand, there are those foundless worriers who don’t know how to change things themselves yet are aware that the answer does not lie in this government or any other, for that matter.

God wants to help us change the reality.

This morning I read in the book of Habakuk chapter 1 verse 16” Therefore he sacrifices to his net and makes offerings to his dragnet; for by them he lives in luxury, and his food is rich.”

God says that the preoccupation with earning a living and ‘getting on in life’ is already too much. This does not mean to say that it is forbidden to earn money and enjoy life, but a person has to invest a little of this energy into getting to know God and experiencing His love; this relationship in itself will change the world in its entirety.

And most certainly now you will ask me why should you bother to make such an effort; surely God won’t answer and you’re just a regular nobody. But there’s no choice in the matter; each one of us has to go through this personal process and there’s no way of running away from it.

Our father in heaven is not asking us to exert great efforts and change ourselves, or to turn ourselves into religious people in order to serve Him, or to learn kaballah to know Him; He hopes that we will simply have that genuine desire (to know Him) and He will take care of the rest.

Today we have an opportunity to give God a chance and invite him into our hearts and our lives; from this we will gain the love of a Father who really cares, (apologies for the insinuation) as well as genuine change in the personal and public arena.

Who is ready to be part of this revolution?

I have translated this from Luisa’s blog.

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take that weight off your shoulders

2 Mar

 

However hard it is to have faith, not having it is, in my opinion a lot harder. Fancy having to deal with each and every problem you have ALL ON YOUR OWN? I can imagine it being something like this…..

And at this point God says ‘you want to do it on your own? Be my guest.’

If I choose to toss and turn, and worry and fret or to run away from my issues by burying myself in something else God won’t try and stop me but in this I have decided to go ahead without Him. And being without God is basically illustrated in the picture above; a futile, fruitless endeavor.

I like to envisage myself like a small child who is with his mother on a walk. The mother holds the child’s hand and gently guides the child away from prickly thorns, snakes, quicksand and all sorts of other dangers. Then all of a sudden the child decides to have a tantrum and kick and scream, right there, in the middle of the beautiful walk. The mother, however, being a calm and competent mother stands there waiting for the child to calm down, holding out her hand.

God waits for us. He is there, patient and he wants us to reach out our hand so He can grasp it and guide us.