my failed love story

9 Mar

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Once upon a time, when I was young and naive, and had more dreams and hopes than common sense I fell in love. He was tall, larger than life really, handsome and what was more, full of promise. When I looked into his eyes I saw a glowing future; my life laid out before me perfect in every detail, children, family, security and truth  – all the things I thought I was lacking. He talked to me for hours and convinced me that his love for me was selfless and true. He inundated me with small gifts and reminders of his love for me. My head was in the clouds, and I barely had time to reflect; I was so excited about our future life together, you see.

So I made a commitment. I told him that I would be with him forever, no matter what. Even when times were tough, I believed our love and our belief would overcome everything. I barely looked over my shoulder at what I was leaving behind; I was convinced that the life I had led before I met him was purposeless and meaningless. I cut my ties with my ‘other life’, my friends, my interests and dreamed about a glowing future.

After some time together I started to see small signs of disappointment in my lover. He was inattentive to my needs on the one hand, but demanded more sacrifices from me on the other. I brushed these inadequacies aside and made fresh resolutions to try harder to pander to his growing needs. Then all would be well. After all, this was a holy matrimony and if God willed this, then surely God would help.

At some point however, in order to keep the relationship going I had stop following logic and basic common sense. My love for him, however which continued to flame told me that logic and common sense are sacrifices that will justify the ends – that is, to live happily with him side by side. He whispered words of encouragement – that my sacrifices showed to him how much I was a good and worthy woman and how he was proud of me.

I had a niggling feeling at some point that although I was prepared to make sacrifices and changes in the relationship, he, however was unbending to change. He started to gain weight, but still insisted on wearing the same tight clothing that had been in fashion years ago, even though it no longer suited him. He gazed at himself vainly in the mirror, even though he was starting to go bald and what was left of his hair had faded to mousy grey. What was worse was that he acted as if he was superior to others, simply because he had once been dashing, glamorous and beautiful. When he was questioned, he became dogmatic and accused the others of being weak simply because they wished to question him. He started to cohort with a crowd of friends who were distinctly unsavoury – some had very suspicious pasts and all them were questionable in their motives for sticking with him.

His favourite hobby was misquoting others in order to pursue his own righteousness. He would make grandiose statements which, when verified proved to be distinctly distorted from their original source.

It was then that  I realised that my once-beloved was no more. I cried bitter tears as I realised that it was never me that he was interested in – that I was simply a tool for him to seek his own needs.

At that point I already had children. I couldn’t face telling them the whole truth and preferred to let them believe that their father was a wonderful man with good intentions. That was my mistake. I should have told them.

When I realised that the man who had once made me gloriously happy now made me feel like a prisoner stuck in a 4 by 4 cell I decided to pack my bags and leave.

He was not willing to let me go so easily. “If you leave me, ” he cried ” You leave everything. Your friends, your life, your community, your possessions and your children, of course.”

I begged and pleaded. I sought others to intervene but strangely, they all took his side. People crossed to the other side of the street when they saw my face. The made sure their children didn’t play with mine. They whispered and gossiped. What had I done wrong? Surely, if I was miserable with this man, leaving was the right thing to do. Surely these people realised I had a right to happiness?

Thank God, at some point during this time a new lover appeared on the scene. He made no demands. He was a shoulder to cry on during the most difficult moments. He didn’t judge me but made me feel loved. When I let him hold me safely in his arms, I realised that my whole life up to this time had been a lie. I had been a fool to think that I if I made enough sacrifices, I would live up to anything. I needed to be accepted the way I was and to work together with someone, in partnership, side by side, to build something new. Something that was my own.

My new lover caused even more furor in the community. How dare I! A lot of people were jealous of me because they, like me, had husbands who simply took and never gave back. My new lover gave to me from his heart and they knew that this was true love, not the lie they had been sold into. 

I am now a calmer and serener person and I see the mistakes of my past. My new life is far from easy but I have no regrets about the lie I left behind. I realise that I am imperfect and my true love lets me know all the time how much he believes in me and that, side by side, in honesty and humility  I can walk the path of truth.

 

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One Response to “my failed love story”

  1. Eddie March 10, 2013 at 5:39 am #

    You are very eloquent at expressing yourself. I’m sorry you experienced such a hard time (I’m sure that is an understatement). I’m glad things are better for you now — I’m sure still difficult, but better because you can now experience real love and begin to let your light shine out to the world (instead of it being stifled and hidden).

    Please know that you are wonderful person just for who you are. Hopefully, your new partner helps you realize this. Many of us are working on realizing that we are wonderful and have God-given gifts. One day, I hope we’ll all realize our gifts and share them with the world.

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