caught in the eagle’s claws

27 Mar

I am caught in the talons of a huge, merciless eagle that swoops low to catch at me. I have no control over what I once used to deem the most precious and I sometimes feel that I am torn from pillar to post, with nowhere to go.

I am in the ultimate catch 22 situation, darned if I do and darned if I don’t. There is no salvation with anyone who is a ben adam – God is my only salvation.

Indeed at this point I have to say that if it hadn’t been for God holding my hand throughout all of these trials and tribulations I would have been admitted in a lockdown long ago. I’m not joking.

And once again, each day dawning fresh and new, erasing that that was and bringing that that is, I must hold tight and hold fast. The earth under me is slipping and all I can do is cry out to God not to abandon me in my hour of need.

God wants to show me, during this chag when we remember how the Jews could only leave Egypt once they’d reached rock bottom and cried out to God in sheer, decisive desperation that I must let go of those things I still hold on to, those ropes that are frayed and twisted and that will unravel at the slightest pull.

God does not want me to run around making some semblance of religiousity with crazy preparations, as if a grain of chametz will grant me holiness or absolution.

God does not want me cohorting with those who claim to be his ‘holies’ in order to gain favour in their eyes, in order to convince them that even though I’m one of ‘those accursed chilonim’  I’m not really like that, deep down inside.

God does not want me to make plans and to feel I can escape his din by making compromises and doing favors to those whose religiosity has caused them total blindness. I cannot help those who are handicapped by handicapping myself. The more I try, the worse it becomes and the greater the need for those ‘holies’ to control and overpower me. The answer is never in the ‘doing’ and only in the ‘being’.

There is only one thing that will save me, and that is the love of God. If I seek it, I will find it in abundance, everywhere. God will guide me and show me. I just have to have the patience and the right frame of mind to let Him lead the way.

And as for those despicable ones who wish to hurt and destroy me, God is watching you, and he is crying for your unforgivable actions. God is truth and just as he and only he led the Jews out of Egypt, it is God and only God who will redeem us again. Your religion, your laws your ceremonies and customs are as abhorrent to Him as a loathsome meal of worms and bugs. He didn’t ask for them and he certainly doesn’t need them.

Awake, awake, arm of the Lord,
clothe yourself with strength!
Awake, as in days gone by,
as in generations of old.
Was it not you who cut Rahab to pieces,
who pierced that monster through?
10 Was it not you who dried up the sea,
the waters of the great deep,
who made a road in the depths of the sea
so that the redeemed might cross over?
11 Those the Lord has rescued will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away. (Isiah 51 9-11)

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One Response to “caught in the eagle’s claws”

  1. Eddie March 31, 2013 at 6:54 am #

    There is so much pain in your words. I’m sorry you must go through so much anguish. I agree with you that God will help you through.

    My personal thought on something that might help is, (when you are ready), to try to forgive those that have hurt you. Most people are products of their environments. With time, you may be able to see them as not yet awake enough (and courageous enough) to do what you are doing, to blaze a more authentic path for themselves. This may help you see them as less ‘evil’ (perhaps that is a strong word, but I think you know what I mean)… and that they are just not conscious enough to “see the wood for the trees” (too stuck in details to see the bigger picture).

    I hope that helps. Either way, you have my blessings that God will turn the darkness into light for you.

    Sincerely

    Eddie

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